So I got up and shuffled to his room, scooped him up, and I rocked him in his chair until he finally settled down, found his fingers, and started to close his eyes again. Just as he fell asleep, as I was sitting there in near silence (I mean, we can't forget about the Sleep Sheep, of course), I suddenly heard our doorbell ring. Except...Clark's door was shut so I wasn't entirely sure, and after I heard it, the dogs didn't bark or even come out of our room, so I thought I must have imagined it in my half-sleeping state.
Then, about ten seconds later, the doorbell rang again. I was positive now that this WAS, IN FACT, the doorbell. I sat there for a moment, suddenly terrified, because WHO could possibly be ringing our doorbell at 12:30 in the morning? I was a little scared, but I thought maybe we left our garage door open again, and it was the neighbor? I don't know. So I quietly (and with shaking hands) laid Clark back in his crib, and walked to his door, except you guys...suddenly it was light in the hallway. Like, not the hall light. There was a flashlight beam in my freaking hallway. I cracked his door a tiny bit and saw someone standing at our front window shining a light INTO MY HOUSE. Which is good and bad I suppose because at least they aren't inside the house? I guess? Except about two seconds later, a flashlight beam came through Clark's window and I was paralyzed momentarily trying to decide what to do.
And THEN! Then I suddenly realized that I still hadn't heard the dogs bark a single time. And I didn't hear Jared walking around. And suddenly I became very, very scared. Have you ever watched Criminal Minds? If so, you know that when things like this happen, you suddenly remember every sick episode and you can imagine all the horrible scenarios that could be happening in your house RIGHT NOW.
Sidenote: When I first had Clark, I suddenly became very morbidly aware of all of the danger around me. Anyone else? I remember being completely overwhelmed by it. Like...I couldn't walk on the top level of a mall because SOMEONE COULD THROW CLARK OVER. I would drive down the road and worry that his car door would somehow open and he would be sucked out. And I would often worry that someone would break into our house when I was in Clark's room, and then what would I do? Well, my paranoid thoughts have subsided, thankfully, but maybe it's good I had them because one thing I remembered last night was my escape plan should a psychopathic maniac break in the house.
When faced with the possibility that the dogs and Jared had all been murdered by a serial killer that was probably now trying to find and murder me too, I realized that my plan may have to come to fruition, and I began trying to figure out how to get Clark QUIETLY, and run out the garage door as quickly as possible while screaming to alert the neighbors. I'm not kidding. This is how my mind was working. I have never been so scared in my life.
Except I suddenly realized that since the flashlights were still outside, maybe Jared was still alive? So I decided to look out Clark's door, wait until the flashlight beam moved momentarily out of the window and away from me, and I sprinted across the house to our bedroom, jumped on Jared, and was yelling at him to WAKE UP THERE'S SOMEONE TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE HOUSE.
Jared eventually, after much confusion and much complaining about me waking him up (and me freaking the hell out and trying to decide if and when I should sprint back to Clark's room to enact our emergency survival plan) eventually got up out of bed. Just as the flashlight beams were coming into our bedroom window, and as I was pressing SEND on my 911 call, Jared looked out the window and said, as though he was very bored, "There are cops in our backyard."
So here's what you should know, going forward, based on our experience last night. I hope this can help you all avoid the emotional trauma that I was forced to endure.
IT IS POSSIBLE for a one year old baby to scream so loudly that he will set off the glass-break sensors on your alarm system.
IT IS POSSIBLE that if this happens, your alarm system won't actually sound, but will alert the police department anyway.
IT IS POSSIBLE that the alarm system company will try to call you, but you will miss the call because you are in the other room rocking the baby, and your husband won't answer his call because he "doesn't recognize the number."
IT IS POSSIBLE that the police will then come to your house and ring your doorbell and start flashing their lights into your house to make sure a murder isn't happening.
IT IS POSSIBLE, that even though your dogs bark at the mail lady and every single friendly jogger as though they are all serial killers threatening our pack, they will completely ignore multiple doorbell rings in the middle of the night, and pretend not to notice strangers in the yard, because apparently their beauty sleep can't be disturbed.
IT IS POSSIBLE, that when you go outside in your nightie to tell the police that you are actually fine and are really confused about why they are there, they will ask to see your husband, probably to make sure that there isn't a hostage situation going on, except your husband will never come out because he's already back in bed.
IT IS POSSIBLE that the police will then get a call about a robbery nearby and will run to their cars and leave, even though they have still never verified that there is not a killer in your house.
NOW YOU ALL KNOW.
PS: Forget whatever that stupid doctor said. After all that was over, I sat in my kitchen and ate a massive bowl of Peanut Butter Toast Crunch at 1:00AM. It was either that or whisky and, well, the baby...you know.